


The Journal of Dean Winchester

by sweetondean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-16
Updated: 2014-02-16
Packaged: 2018-01-12 15:54:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1190928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetondean/pseuds/sweetondean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The imaginary journal of Dean's thoughts throughout season 8.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Journal of Dean Winchester

**Author's Note:**

> What if Dean kept a journal - a diary where he jotted down his thoughts.
> 
> This is my interpretation of Dean's possible thought process throughout season 8.
> 
> I've used language and tone to represent Dean's speach patterns as opposed to how I believe he would write, so as to try and capture how his thoughts might sound.
> 
> I tried to get into his head. Sometimes it made me so sad I cried...

**Entry 1**

So I'm back. Topside. Land of the living. Benny was right, that son of a bitch. I'll miss the bastard. Gotta be like this though... Good to see Sam alive and kickin'. Thank God. Was freakin' out when he wasn't picking up. Sam. Yeah. I'm trying hard not to… but damn it, unwritten Winchester rule, never give up on each other. Never. Guess he went on without me. Met some girl. Guess I should be happy about that? I dunno what to think. The Kevin thing, not cool. How could he leave him out there like that? I don't get it. I don't get the whole damn thing. We'll find the kid and make it right, if he ain't dead already, but Sammy seems…he's not here or somethin'. Just tryin' real hard not to be as mad as hell right now. Better try and sleep, in an actual bed. Things might seem clearer in the morning. Yeah right.

-Man, nightmare. Monsters. Fighting. Same old, same old. Woke up sweating like a pig, no clue where I was. Then I hear Sammy breathing. Kid always was a noisy sleeper. Just gotta calm down. I'm back. Gotta remember, I'm back. I'm okay. It's gonna be okay.

-Well, found Kevin. Kid's improved some. Turned into a good little fighter. Crowley's still an S.O.B. Time we ganked that bastard once and for all. Turns out there's an actual tablet for demons. Tell's ya how to close Hell's gates. Could we catch that kind of break? Lock up the pit forever? Finally get rid of those black eyed sons of bitches. Man, that'd be somethin'. Sammy will back that. Yeah, Sam will be onboard for that…

 

**Entry 2**

I dunno know I even belong in this world no more. When did we blink over killing a bastard like Crowley? I don't care whose meat suit he's wearing. Kevin's in the wind. Tablet's gone. Sam's got some bug up his ass about everything. Keeps drifting off, his heart's not in it. I feel like the only one with his eye on the ball. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one with the problem. Nearly killed that dude in the interrogation room. So close. Gotta bring it down a notch. I'm on edge all the time. Everything was so much easier in Purgatory. Kill or be killed. No hesitations. Maybe I fit better there…Maybe I shoulda stayed put.

-Christ. Nightmare again. Cass…

 

**Entry 3**

Great. Sam wants to quit the life and go back to college. That kid is full of surprises. Thinks I'd be better off hunting alone. What? Since when has either of us been better off alone. He'll come 'round. Just has to get back in the saddle. He won't walk away. God damn it, Sam.

 

**Entry 4**

Let the werewolf chick walk. Couldn't very well gank her and leave Benny breathing. Sam don't know that though. Gotta say he looked a bit confused. Hey, maybe she can make a go of it? Not her fault she got turned into a monster. Maybe she can go against type. Not follow those instincts. Not kill anyone. Wonder how Benny's doin'. Hope the bastard's ok. And I do not say awesome too much.

 

**Entry 5**

Yeah that went about as well as could be expected. Sam meet Benny. Super. Now he's even more pissed at me than before. Yeah, I shoulda told Sam about Benny, I know it, but it's not like we're caring and sharing nowadays. Half the time we're at each other throats. He walked away, he wants out, thinks I'd be better alone… Hey and Sam, just to add insult to injury, meet my buddy Benny, the vampire. Heh. Oh well, he knows now. Let the shit storm begin.

-One night, just one night's sleep please without tossing and turning worrying about Sam or Benny or Cass or all damn three of them. Jesus.

 

**Entry 6**

Just when you think shit can't get worse you get possessed by an evil dick of a spectre. Awesome. Now I'm spewing crap even I didn't know I was still pissed at. Except that not looking for me thing. That hurts like hell and I'm trying not to...but I'd be lying if I didn't say it's gnawin' on my insides. I know what Sam said, I know he said he was honouring some half-baked promise we made, but we don't walk away. End of story. I keep expecting to wake up and be a brother down. I don't even know why he's here half the time. He sure don't seem to wanna be anywhere near me. If it wasn't for the whole locking up the pit, I'm sure Sam would've ditched by now. Ah well, guess I couldn't blame him after tonight. He's gotta know that's not how I really feel, right? No one's more important to me than him. Freakin' fought for my life to get back here to him. Make sure he was ok. Look how that turned out. Everything's screwed to hell again. Didn't appreciate him threatening Benny either. God damn it. Garth looked good though. Was kinda nice to see the guy. Hugs and all. And he's right, Sam's all I got. I gotta try to let all this crap go. Gotta move past it. Son of a bitch got wise.

 

**Entry 7**

Cass is back. Thought I was going crazy. Then 'poof' the nerd angel returneth. Turns out I didn't leave him behind. He stayed. What the hell. Sure didn't seem like that in the moment. I felt him slip away. I couldn't hold on. Turns out he didn't want me to hold on. Don't know whether to be happy to see him or slug him. Dragged him all through freakin' Purgatory and he bails on me last minute. At this point, why am I even surprised. How'd Cass get back here anyway? Something's not right. He just shows up? And he don't remember how? I mean, it's great to see the guy, but I've been doing this long enough to know when something stinks. And now we've only got half a tablet. What's a bet we got stiffed with the dud half. On the flip side, Sam's still here. No sign of him checking out college brochures. And we've still got Kevin, nearly all of him anyways. I gotta put all this shit outta my head. Man, I just want to hunt. Is that too much to ask?

 

**Entry 8**

Freakin' cartoon anvils. You live long enough, you see everything.

 

**Entry 9**

You know… they're both alive and that was the plan.

-Can't sleep. He ain't picking up the phone. Gotta go talk to him. He's not gonna want to, but I need him to listen. If he's gonna go, he's gonna go. But not like this. I'm not leaving it like this, not after everything. I'm sorry Martin died, I am, but he brought it on himself. The crazy bastard shoulda left well enough alone. I'm not sorry Sam and Benny are alive. One of them would be dead for sure had I not... I'm not gonna apologise for making sure my brother and my friend don't kill each other.

-Had to stop for some caffeine. Almost at Kermit. Feel like crap. I'm so freakin' tired. I know I'm losing Sam. He's been only half here for a while. Gotta try and sort this out.

 

**Entry 10**

Sam's here. Benny's gone. I had to walk away from him. I just gotta believe he'll be ok. But if it's Sam or Benny? If it's come to that? No contest. Haven't told Sam yet. Good on him for not pushing it anymore. I appreciate the hell out of that after everything. Didn't think about how that text would affect him. Just wanted him out of danger. In hindsight, maybe not the smartest move I've made. Had to give Sammy a choice. I've been hanging on too tight and it ain't working for either one of us. Had to let him go if that's what he wanted. He needed to make that call himself. He couldn't go on like that. We couldn't go on like that. We haven't gone through everything we've gone through to wind up hating each other. I don't know what'll happen next. But for now, my brother's here and we're focusing on the job.

-Can't sleep. Cass is playing on my mind. Something's up. That whole coming back and not know how thing, that whole thing with Alfie. Something's not right. We can't trust him right now, not until Sam and me figure out what the hell is going on.

-Screw it. Who needs sleep anyway. Car could always do with a wash.

 

**Entry 11**

Things I thought I'd never see: Sam all painted up charging across a field with a sword above his head. That was fun. We had actual fun. I feel ok for the first time in I don't know how long. When was the last time the two of us laughed so hard? Felt like little kids again. Felt good. Probably shoulda told him he still had some paint on that ugly mug of his before I sent him into the Gas 'n Sip for coffee. Oh well, the bruise on my arm will be worth it just to see his face. Great to see Charlie again. She's grown on me. Good to talk to. Bit hard to talk to Sam when it's about Sam. Times like that I miss the hell outta Bobby. Gonna have to come clean with Sammy that I may have said we'll be at the next big whatever it's called. We got a kingdom to defend! Ha!

 

**Entry 12**

Men of Letters. A grandfather we never knew. My head hurts. Add another dead Winchester to the list. Dad always talked about his father like he was some deadbeat that walked out on him and his mom. Guess now we know the truth. He didn't walk out. He died saving us. I wish dad knew that. Wish we'd known that. What would've happened if Henry hadn't left that night? We'd not be raised hunters? Would we even be born? Time travel, man. Screws with your melon. Guess Henry turned out to be okay after everything. Would've been good to get to know him some, learn from him. He seemed to know a trick or two. Sorry he had to go out like that… Dunno what I think about this whole legacy thing. Who would've thought Mom's family was the brawn and dad's the brains. Think I saw Sam's eyes light up. He's always been a little geek. A giant geek. Heh. Good to see the kid look half happy. Things are definitely on an upswing in that department. Wonder if that hideout is still standing? Now that'd be interesting.

 

**Entry 13**

Someone pinch me. Not only is the Men of Letters lair still standing, it's friggin' awesome. How it's working I dunno and don't care. It is and I ain't complainin'. Sam's in his happy place, surrounded by books and god knows what. I swear the kid's eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw all the damn books and files and crap. I just had a shower the likes of which I've never known. The water pressure. Not some dank and moudly motel room trickle, but real power, man. And hot. Coulda stayed in there all day. Did get a bit wrinkly. Heh. Not only that, there's weapons up the ying yang and a freakin' shooting gallery. Who the hell were these guys? How the hell did we get so lucky? I keep expecting to wake up any minute. Probably screaming. God bless you Henry Winchester, wherever the hell you are.

\- Golems. Necromancer Nazis. Secret Societies? How about a good ole fashioned ghost hunt, just for kicks. Jesus. Our lives keep getting weirder. Though, Aaron was kind of ok, smartass, but ok. So was the big guy, for a dude made of clay. A dude made of clay. Yep. And now we're back in the batcave, warm and toasty and Sam looks almost happy. Hell I think he nearly smiled. Somethin's gotta give. We don't get this lucky. Ever.

\- My own room. I can't remember ever havin' a room. I guess I did, back when I was little. I don't remember though. It feels good. Feels good to have somewhere to put all my crap. Keep it nice. Somewhere mine. Jesus, Winchester, you're turning into a freakin' woman.

 

**Entry 14**

What is wrong with me? Can't I do anything right? All I had to do was one damn thing. Kill a hellhound. Instead Sam has to step in and save my sorry ass and now he's doin' these freakin trials, whatever that means and I don't want that to happen with every part of my being. I wanna puke. Everything I touch turns to shit. It was not supposed to go like that. I don't want Sam to go through any more crap. He's gone through enough. This one was on me and I failed. I freakin' failed him. Again. Jesus.

\- I can't freakin' sleep. I keep running it through my head. How that bitch knocked me down. I keep playin' it over and over. Figuring what I coulda done different. What's it matter. I blew it. I know Sam gave me the speech about him and me getting to the light or somethin'. God love him for believing in that, optimistic son of a bitch. I just know I gotta watch out for him now. We dunno what's next, what these trials are about. I gotta make sure he gets through this because I ain't livin' with the alternative. Not again.

 

**Entry 15**

Hey, I'm about as open minded as they come, but what the hell was that with James and his familiar. Sure she was hot as a chick, but, she was a freakin' dog. Literally. I mean, the mind boggles and not in a good way. Whoa, I gotta get that picture outta my brain. That's just not right. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Witches. Skeevy.

 

**Entry 16**

Somethin's not right with Sam. He's off. Not himself. Not since the first trial. He's hiding something. Acting cagey. I can tell. After all these years I can tell when the kid's lyin' to me. Not only that, he's getting scared. Startin' to doubt himself. I ain't gonna push it and I ain't gonna listen to his, I might die doin' it, bullshit either. Both of us can't be thinkin' that way. I dunno if it was the right thing to do, reaching out to Cass. We dunno where he is, what he's doin'. But I got nothin' and no-one else to turn to. I need help now. I need help lookin' out for Sam. We're gonna be up to our elbows in this thing and we have no clue what's comin' down the pipe. Cass didn't answer. I dunno if he even heard me. I dunno if he even gives a damn. We had 2 minutes of things lookin' up, then back to wading through this life of crap. Whatever happens, one thing I know for sure. They ain't takin' Sammy.

 

**Entry 17**

I think I'm gonna freakin' lose it man. Lies and more lies pilin' up all around me. I wanna freakin' hit somethin' or someone or I dunno what. Sam's sick. The trials are breaking him in ways Cass don't even understand. Cass is gone, again. He blows in, beats the snot outta me, steals the angel tablet. He was being controlled? I knew I smelt somethin'. Don't make it hurt any less. He's gone now. He made his choice. He don't trust me. Just… No more. No more. How much are we supposed to take? How much am I supposed to take? How much is my brother supposed to take? When is it ever gonna be enough? WHEN YOU BASTARDS? I just gotta focus on one thing right now and that's Sam. That's making sure we…he, gets through this trials shit in one piece. Cass is on his own road and I can't be worryin' about him no more. Not for now anyways. At least Sam has come clean with me. Finally. At least I've got that. I've got that.

\- I've been lying here tossin' and turnin' for hours. What part of me actually thought I could sleep? This thing. It's getting outta control. We got Crowley on our ass, angels on our ass. Nobody to turn to. Cass is gone. Even freakin' Meg is gone, which isn't a bad thing…though she had moments of usefulness, when she wasn't killin' everyone we love. On second thoughts, good riddance. Sam's coughing up blood. And that's just after the first trial. What's the next one gonna do to him? I should be doin' this. Me. Not Sam. I don't want him to suffer no more. Man. Stop acting like a whiney girl, Winchester. Nut up. We've faced crap like this before. We've beat down worse. We can do this. Just focus.

\- Well, firin' off a few rounds in our own personal shooting gallery certainly took the edge off. That 50 year old scotch didn't hurt none either.

 

**Entry 18**

If that proved one thing to me, it proved I was right. You can't live normal and live hunter. The two don't mix. It'll get ya killed for sure. Mind you, that Victor dude was a nutjob. Hope Krissy makes it. She's a good kid. Sam's not firin' on all cylinders. No way those dudes get the jump on him under normal circumstances.

 

**Entry 19**

This waiting sucks. I'm freakin' useless. Sit here wringin' my hands waiting, while Sam does the hard yards. Pathetic.

\- God damn it. God DAMN IT. I'm sorry Benny. I'm sorry man. You didn't deserve that. But thank you. Thank you. I hope it's not all for nothin'. God damn it please let him have found Sammy. I can't have him stuck in Purgatory. Both of us shouldn't have to go through that shit. Please. Anyone who's listening. Just, please.

\- I lost a good friend tonight. But I got my brother back. And Bobby, Bobby's where he belongs. I hope the old man's happy up there. He deserves it. Benny's back in Purgatory. He don't deserve that. Though Sam thinks maybe he wanted it that way. Maybe. I dunno. I dunno. All I know is I cut my friend's head off. He sacrificed himself for me. For my family. Didn't hesitate. I couldn't burn his bones. If it wasn't for Benny, I dunno I'd even be here. Maybe one day he'll crawl his way back out and I can thank him proper. He's a tough son of a bitch. A good friend. A good friend.

\- Nightmare. Blood everywhere. Benny's head rollin' at my feet. I'm so sorry, man. I'm so sorry…

 

**Entry 20**

That Charlie, she's a good gal. Smart. Lippy, but smart. She can hang around as much as she likes. But hey, I ain't lettin' go. Not of her and certainly not of Sam. Never. I've let go of too many. No more. Sam ain't in a good way and now's when I need to make sure I'm beside him every step. But I gotta trust in him. That he can do this. He can't do it without my believin' in him and he shoulda not have to. So, we'll do what we gotta do and Sam will finish the trials and we'll do this damn thing together. Like we always have.

 

**Entry 21**

Oh Sammy. I didn't know man. And I'm sorry I didn't know. I'm sorry I never saw. I shoulda. My little brother always felt different. What was the word he used? Not clean? Did he always feel it? Poor kid. I dunno if these trials are actually purifying his blood or what or if that was the sickness talkin'. I'd love to believe that demon crud is getting stripped outta him once and for all. For him. So he could get some peace. But right now, I more worried they're freakin' killin' him. He looks like shit, he's not eating, feverish, talkin' about I don't know what. It's killin' me to see him like this. Knowing I can't do nothin' to help. 'Cept keep him fed. Try keep his strength up. Just got one more trial to get through. Just gotta keep him alive through that. We've got Kevin. We've got both halves of the tablet. We've got God's secretary for Christ's sake. Now, we just gotta cure a demon. Cake walk. Heh. Not real comfy having Cass under the same roof as us. But Sam insisted. I wanna trust him. Don't know I can ever forgive him…

 

**Entry 22**

Time for Crowley to die is long past. Son of a bitch. How many he gonna kill? We can't let this happen. We gotta think up a plan and fast. I gotta keep Sam focused on the end game. He's sick and shaky. Sarah hit him hard. Hit me hard. We can't let that red-eyed bastard win. No way that's happening on my watch. We regroup and we bring him down. It's long overdue. We got all we need to make this happen. And we got each other and Charlie was right, there's pretty much nothin' we can't do. Hey man, we stopped the Apocalypse. I should be saying this to Sam…

\- Yeah. Sleep. Ha. Runnin' it through my head over and over. Gotta get this right. It's a good plan. We just gotta lie to the King of all liars. Hey, I can do that. If we can get him there. Get him locked down. It's all on Sam. I dunno what's gonna happen. But…it's our best shot.

 

**Entry 23**

This is it. Big day. The day we lock them all up once and for all. For our mom, for dad, for Ash, for Ellen and Jo…for us.

\- He's gonna be ok. He's gonna be ok. He's gonna be ok...

 

 

 

 


End file.
